CHALLENGING MOM GUILT
One of the most common emotions I hear new moms talk about is guilt, specifically what we’ve come to know as “mom guilt.” It usually shows up when moms are doing something for themselves: spending time with friends, taking a solo trip, or even just resting.
But I have to be honest—I don’t think guilt is the right word for what we’re feeling.
Let’s talk about guilt for a second. Guilt is a normal and healthy human emotion. It arises when we’ve done something that conflicts with our values or causes harm. It’s tied to making a mistake, violating a moral code, or causing a consequence we regret. And in that context, guilt can be useful because it helps us course-correct.
But “mom guilt” is different. It’s not truly about doing something wrong. It’s more often a result of clashing with unrealistic societal expectations: always putting your child first, meeting every single need, sacrificing your entire identity to be fully present at all times.
This version of guilt isn’t rooted in wrongdoing. It’s rooted in pressure. And often, it’s pressure we’ve internalized from a culture that glorifies selflessness in mothers and doesn’t place the same standards on fathers. (Ever heard of “dad guilt”? Exactly.)
The trouble is, when we call this emotion guilt, we unintentionally send ourselves a harmful message: I’m doing something bad. That can make us feel like bad parents, even when we’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.
So what are we actually feeling?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Am I doing something wrong?” and the honest answer is no, consider replacing the word guilt with something more accurate—like discomfort or sadness.
Leaving the house alone for the first time? That can feel strange and disorienting, almost like you’ve left a limb behind. That’s discomfort.
Letting your partner handle bedtime for the first time? You might feel uneasy about relinquishing control and wonder how your baby (and you!) will handle it. Again, discomfort.
Going away for a few days? Of course you’ll miss your baby. That’s sadness, not guilt.
When we relabel these feelings, we create space for more self-compassion. We stop punishing ourselves for having needs or boundaries and start recognizing our emotions for what they are: valid, human responses to change.
So here’s a challenge: Notice how often you use the word guilt, and ask yourself, Is this really guilt? Or is it something else? Try naming the true emotion underneath, and see how that shift changes the way you feel.
If the emotional side of motherhood feels heavier than you expected, you don’t have to carry it alone.
Rooted Perinatal offers therapy and mental health support for women navigating fertility, pregnancy, postpartum, and early parenthood. Our team is here to help you feel more grounded, supported, and understood.
Learn more about Rooted Perinatal.
Author: Sarah Goodman, RSW, MSW, PMH-C
Sarah Goodman is a Registered Social Worker and certified Perinatal Mental Health Therapist through Postpartum Support International. She is the co-founder of Rooted Perinatal and a lead therapist on the Have Baby. Must Sleep. team, where she supports women navigating fertility, pregnancy, postpartum mental health, and the emotional transition to parenthood.
Drawing from both professional training and lived experience with fertility and postpartum challenges, Sarah takes a compassionate, evidence-based approach to supporting women through mood and anxiety disorders, identity shifts in motherhood, grief, and complex relationship dynamics.
Learn more about therapy and support through Rooted Perinatal.
